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Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I'm too tired to play pretend, I suffociate until the end.

Well lets see, since mostly everyone that reads this now is family looking to pry into my life and make half informed assumptions about my daily feelings I guess I need to post a disclaimer. As far as this blog is concerned this is a place where I want to be able to feel safe without having to tell everyone a week later "Yes, I'm fine, I just use the blog to vent don't read into it" I mean I don't mind my family reading it, but realize that I don't write in my blog because I am happy. As far as my life is concerned Happiness writes white.

**PATRICK IS HAVING A DOWN DAY**

Lets start with my borderline idiotic decision to take summer classes. I am three days into my summer of hell. I go to school 6 hours a day, and I am still trying to figure out how I am going to be able to work. I no longer have any time to play video games with my brothers and that will lead to one of two things, me being excluded from the "group" or me pushing myself even harder, both terrible options as far as my social life is concerned. I really enjoy playing with Jeremy but he always feels the need to become the most important person in any situation and frankly I cannot keep up. Possibly, he is reflecting is own insecurities that I just do not feel the need to address, or possibly he just likes to be in charge, but I grow more unamused every passing day. I mind has well just adapt to playing alone and go find a game that my computer can handle and that I really enjoy. The really frustrating part is the massive workload school has put upon me. I really want to get out, but is the juice worth the squeeze?
I am still adapting to my new schedule, I must be in bed by 11 or 12 pm (3 to 4 hours earlier than I am used to) or I am unable to concentrate for six hours of daily learning, which is extremely difficult. While as far as classes go these are some of my more enjoyable classes to date. I enjoy both my TA (who desperately tries to teach me Spanish) and my Professor who teaches my Film Noir Special Topic in Archeology class. The hard part for me is having to get up at 8 am, so I can be to school by 9:30 and then grabbing an hour for lunch before I like some mindless drone head back to class till 4:30. At that point its back to apartment to try to get some, if any relaxation before I must push myself to sleep so I can continue the battle tomorrow. I know that for most people reading this (yes, hello family) your used to your 9-5 jobs but you also have weekends off, and nights, and for the most part holidays. I will receive none of these luxuries that you all take for granted. So when you feel the need to remind me, like you so often do, that I have it so easy remember these luxuries.
Following school I come home, lately its almost as if Tina has decided she just can't cook edible food (that isn't cookies or pudding) so has stopped trying. The last two days I have had to come home and cool full meals. Monday night it was sloppy joe's and last night it was Jambalaya. I dunno, I had just barely gotten to sit down before she was nagging bout her hunger. While I commiserated and agreed with the pains in her stomach I was exhausted. When I don't feel like cooking we eat out, and she bitches about money. I dunno. Its just really annoying that today on my break from class I was planning dinner, I mean it really sucks, a lot.
I just wish I was in the middle of a care free summer of playing video games and relaxing, its such a shame that I did not realize last summer that it would be my last care-free summer or I would have told work to fuck off and I would have done more. I want to be out of school but days like today I honestly doubt that I have the gas left in the tank, and its only Wednesday. I hope that when I update my blog a few months from now I laugh about this, but frankly, that prospect looks more bleak every passing hour.

For today I will leave on a song, that I have been listening to on repeat almost all day.

Motion City Soundtrack - Last Night

I'm still frustrated from last night
Things happened at half-time, I'm sick of the bends
My panic research was no help
I sink into myself
Afraid of the fall that never ends
I wait, but I'm too tired to play pretend
I suffocate until the end

No time for halfhearted goodbyes,
I turn on the spotlight and flee from the scene
Cheap flights from Paris to Bangkok, I thought it was nonstop
Can't sleep on the KLM again
I haunt the halls of medicine at night
Choking back the urge to fight

Her cat was clawing the floorboards just outside of our door,
The panic begins
I searched the whole damn apartment from ceiling to carpet
No sign of the things she used to own
As autumn turns its back on me again
I climb the walls for oxygen

My body aches, it heaves, it shakes
All summer sounds so caught up
And I still don't know exactly who I am
I never will, amen.

She whispers something in my ear, the message is unclear
She motions outside.
I trail her closely from behind
She tries hard not to cry
She shakes underneath the pouring rain

I can't compete with all your damn ideas
This isn't working out for you and me
The truth is I'm too tired to play pretend

This is goodbye, this is the end.

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I bolded my favorite lines.