Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas, yeah whatever

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas is
You... yea yea

I despise the holidays, Tina leaves, work BLOWS, and I am now all alone. Fucking fantastic.

A Brief but Belated Update

Hello to everyone out there, so many things have happened how do I begin to explain them? We'll start where I left off, with my home issues. Well I am adapting very well to my new surroundings, I have started calling my apartment home and I think when I made that mental step to changing what I felt was home I felt much better. I almost miss this grungy apartment when I am not here.

Holidays..bleh
Well as many of my close friends know during the holidays I usually act more like the Grinch or Scrooge than Santa or Rudolph but I am starting to realize what my harsh realities of the Christmas season are, my girlfriend who without I am lost leaves for a month to see her family. This basically means that for a month I am lost to the world. I wish that I could for just one Christmas get that phone call from her on Christmas saying "Merry Christmas...I'm Outside" I just think that no amount of presents in the world could even come close to the gift of the one I love. She often says that I should come to her on Christmas but I don't think she realizes how much deep down inside I still believe. Not necessarily in Santa and flying reindeer but the idea of a Christmas Miracle. I mean to most people the holidays mean Family, Togetherness, Love and Joy. To me the holidays are hellish amounts of work, being alone, and desperately wishing that my life is different. I dunno.

SCHOOL
School is just another one of those things, its been so impossibly hard this semester, I really think I did rather poorly and hope that most of my grades don't post until after Christmas so I can say Happy New Year I'm on Academic Suspension and not Merry Christmas I flunked. Fuck this sucks. I am just so ready to be done with all that tension and drama. I want to wake up and be able to go to work come home and have that be all, I hate having to constantly tell myself, "Oh You can have 3 hours of peace here and then after 6 hours of hell you can be rewarded with another 30 minutes here." I just want to get to the point where I can relax.

Love Life
Well that is just a fish of a different color and is the one thing that I am succeeding at in my life. Thank God for that. I am deeply in love with the woman of my dreams and I despise everything in my life that she is not a part of. I desperately hope to one day marry her.

Fish, My Obsession and Constant Joy:
Okay, I may have fudged a little, I am also having GREAT success with my fish! I now have seven fish tanks in the apartment, 55g, 40g, two 20g, two 10g, and a 2g for Marvin. I have also increased from African Cichlids to South American with the Addition of 3 Convicts and an Oscar who is growing so fast I have no Idea what to do! (Its okay, it was expected when I bought him I wanted a "Monster Fish". Gonna need to get him a 75g at some point next year. Don't quite know where I am gonna put it but oh well. I have actually gotten about 50 fry from my African Cichlids which are growing and looking amazing. Gonna have to get rid of them soon though. Oh well, I hope they get a good home. The picture your looking at are one of my breeding pairs of convicts. Their an amazing.



I did say that this was going to be brief so I am going to leave a quote and a prayer...

Prayer: Lord, Grant me the strength to get through my life over the next few years and to realize your hope and vision for me. Please protect those that are so dear to me and give them health and happiness. In your name, Amen.

Quote:
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I've a lot of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn.
-Natalie Imbruglia


P.S. Gonna be an Uncle 2X! Tina's gonna be an aunt 1x and the Dallas Cowboys are (as of right now) 11-1!!!!!!!

An odd feeling...

This semester has been really weird for me, there are so many things that just don't seem to fit right. I used to love school and get really excited about going but now I am so focused on the fact that its impossibly hard that I almost don't enjoy it anymore. The other thing that I do not understand is why I sometimes feel so entirely depressed. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I am moving into a new stage in my life and having a hard time coping with the new realities that are my life. I am living with my girlfriend now, this apartment, these walls are my home. Thats actually something thats really hard for me because while I did not live at home last year I never considered "The View" home. Home is where your family is, and for the first time in my life, my family is in a tiny apartment in College Park. It may sound like I am bitching but right now I feel almost torn in my life, when I work in Columbia I sometimes really want to stay the night there, but when I do its just a harsh reminder of how things have changed. I guess I am also having a hard time adapting my my new time schedule, some of the things that I used to love I no longer get to do and I cannot decide if I don't do them becuase Tina is around or of I don't do them becuase I don't want to. I miss my friend on WoW horribly, they always talk about how they want me back and the sad realization is that when I stopped playing, for what ever reason, I lost 20 friends, that sucks. Oh well I gotta get ready to go, I'll try to write some tomorrow night.

Good things, and bad luck.

Hello again, just wanted to give you a quick re-cap of the last few days. Tina and I were able to go ahead and sign a lease on an apartment. That was a mess, we had a hard time getting the money orders and signing took forever. Right before that Tina and I got a kitten we named Gus. I really like the apartment, its a really nice place and it seems like a place I'll be much happier in. I really want to be done with school right now. The kitten is amazing, I love how he really likes to be loved, and seems to enjoy my company. Can't talk long, I have work. Hope to write more soon.

Sorry about the last two days...

Okay, sorry about the last two days, been really hectic. Lets start off yesterday morning. I woke up at about 9:00 AM and looked at the clock, looked at my phone, and decided that I must have set my alarm to 9:15 because I had 9:45 work. I then begin to dream again. I have a dream that I wake up late, and I start to rush out of the house. In my panic I realize that its raining and I am not moving very quickly. I start to drive out of my neighborhood and I see a really fat guy on a stool. His gut is gigantic and he is talking to me in a language that I do not understand. I then finally get to work and my boss comes up to me and says "You're alarm did not go off." I then wake up from my dream and realize, holy shit I have 5 minutes to get to work. I rush downstairs grab some granola bars, and slam out of the door. No rain, no fat guy, same response from my boss. It was really really creepy. Really creepy *shudder*.

Tina was able to make it into MD yesterday and that made me really happy. I love being around her. She stopped off in Lancaster and went to t "That Fish Place" where she picked me up another blue cichlid. She also picked me up another blue moon light, and then drove here. It was really fun, she was lost so I was giving her directions via Google Maps and I was using the hybrid view so I was like "Get ready to see a baseball field on your left" and I'll be damned if there was not a baseball field on her left. She arrived home and we headed back out, I have been wanting to re-do my babies tank and so we headed to Petco! We ended up spending a bit of money on a "Python - No Spill" but its money well spent. Allows me to do my Sunday water changes without ever having to use a bucket. Its amazing, we re-did the baby tank and so far everyone is doing okay. I am a little worried about our orange baby fish because I do not see him eat often, but as I am typing this I look over and he is chowing down. The tank looks like the "new hotness". I am in love with it. Doing fishtanks with Tina is always funny, I have these really great ideas in my head of how things should look. I can explain it to other people, but for some reason I am unable to manifest the images in my brain into something real. She is really really good at seeing whats in my head, and actually using her hands to create it. I knew I wanted this black substrate, I wanted multi levels, but I am really bad at making that happen she embraced it and the tank looks WONDERFUL.

Lets move forward. I got into work today and we were playing volleyball. It was awesome. I had some problems with the geek squad today, but not a big deal, got home started looking at stuff for Tina, write more later.

Had a rough night...

...I had a really rough night...

It started at work when we were really busy. I was coming back from helping a customer and was generally in a fairly good mood. I started talking to a customer about the cheapest laptop we sell and he was wondering about putting XP on it. Suddenly I was approached by another customer who was fuming because he had been waiting for almost twenty minutes. I kindly told him that I was assisting someone and that I was sorry for any confusion that had happened and asked him if he would just wait for a minute and I would be more than happy to help him. He then replied to me that if I did not help him in the next five minutes "I would know who he was...". I mean what the hell, its about a damn laptop. Get over yourself. Thank God Joe started helping him and the guy ended up not even being able to pay for it. My customer got pissed off and left, and thank goodness the night ended quickly.


...later


I am getting ready to crawl into bed when I notice one of my labidochromis caeruleus (yellow labs) playing up around the power head that I just got yesterday. I then notice something that appears to be yellow that I did not notice yesterday. Turns out one of my fish must have gotten stuck to the intake valve on the filter and died. I was on the phone with Tina when I noticed it and now I feel that she is upset with me because the new "toy" I bought killed one of our fish. This sucks. I ordered a part that should fix this but its just really hard to imagine the poor fish (who was amazingly beautiful) and dying stuck to that filter. This is all really my fault. I have a system in place but this is just the first Cichlid I have lost and it was not something that I could not control. This was my fault, and now to Tina I feel like a failure.

Good quote

VI VERI VENIVERSUM VIVUS VICI

"By the power of Truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe"

"Oh its what you do to me"

I talked to Tina again last night, she said that I seemed wrong about her parents. I was somewhat buying this and thinking that I was irrational and then she said that she told her mom that she wanted to spend time in MD with me at the end of the summer and her mom replied "Well, I don't understand, it's not like your married or something." I mean Jesus, I think that all her parents see me as is that guy who refuses to marry their daughter. I honestly think that I would like to marry Tina, but its really hard to know if thats the right decision. Would things with her family become copasetic if we were married? I realize that very few people like their in-laws but I wonder if its too unreasonable to want them to at least not actively seek to destruct your relationship.

Its just a lot of pressure and stress over something that if left alone would work itself out. I can't stand her when she is around her family, she changes. She feels that she has to fit a mold that her parents would like and that person that she becomes shakes the very foundation of my belief's in us. The bigger question is which person IS that facade?

Just a verse.

I was trying to write tonight. This is the only thing worth while I came up with :

The sunrise, the sunset
Are simply players who’s parts they regret
From giving life, to taking breaths,
The sun never forgets, that the first thing
You look forward to is him in the sky,
And by the end of the day you’d only
Wish he’d rise.

Thoughts on my Girlfriend and her "Christian" family...

Okay, so lets start off with a few things. I have been dating my girlfriend for over 2 and a half years now. I love her so much it really hurts sometimes. We are getting ready to take the next step and move in together. This sounds like something that should and would be just a fantastic and exciting experience. On the contrary, I find that it has become something that makes me question the very fundamentals of our relationship. Her parents do not agree with people living with each other before marriage. My family is much more modern in that sense realizing that it is just what sometimes happens. I think that the reason the divorce rate IS finally going down in this country is because less people are rushing into relationships and realizing that in the end this is not what they wanted.

The Religion Involved
Okay were both Christians and we both have similar beliefs. Both of our families regularly attend church and neither of us typically attend. I don't understand why her family would rather she rush into something that is permanent than commit a minor sin. It would not bother me nearly as much if her beliefs were that of her parents. I just simply would not move in with her and we would basically have a high-school relationship.

Her actions contradict her words
She tells me that she does in fact want to move in with me and that she wants to do all of these things and then lets her parents strong arm her into doing something else. My parents do have rules, they feel that I should not get a tattoo. Okay fine, I can wait on a tat, no biggie, but if I really really wanted one, I am sure I would do all things possible to get one. I am 22 years old and I agree with respecting my parents wishes but it would be another thing if I was telling her every day that I was going to get one and then didn't do it.

The even harder part for me is that she tells me that things would change once were married and that she feels compelled to do what they want because of what they pay for. But do people change? Her parents have their nose in every aspect of Tina's Sister's life and there is nothing her poor sister can do. I don't want that in my marriage. The even bigger question for me is, what does she say behind my back. If she talks about how much stuff she does not want to do and then does it, what does she not want to do with me that she just does. This descriptiveness scares me.

Goodness Gracious Wisdom Teeth
Okay. So were supposed to get our wisdom teeth out next week, no big deal obviously if you read down you'll realize the problems I have had with work around that subject. We were supposed to do it together so we could lay in bed together, heal, write to each other, play video games and what not. It sadly, was something I was looking quite forward to. Now her parents are picking her up in MD, driving her all the way back to NY so she can come down the day before school starts and move in to "our" new apartment.

Get to the point already...
Okay, here is the question I have for the Cyberspace. If her parents have done nothing with her all summer at her home in NY but insist on her being at home and not in MD with me, do they actually want her around, or do they just not want her around me.

I don't know if I can be with someone who will always listen and always obey people who quite so obviously in their beliefs, actions, and words despise my very existence.

Wish I was making this post form there, things always seem much easier at the beach.

Todays Adventure

The Morning
I woke up this morning and for the first time in a few days I did not have to rush off to work. Sundays are my day off and I enjoy them immensely. I work up at about 10 or 11 and I realized that I needed to get to work. Sundays are dubbed "water change" day. This is where I take 25% of the water out of all 3 of my fishtanks to just put new water back in. Its really good for the fish and its actually not that bad of a time. The fish really really love it. I finished that and decided that I would head over to Petco to check out Powerheads. I have been reading about them on a website I go to and they all seem to think its really good for the fish. So I went down, talked to my mom (yes I live at home in the summer) and headed out.
I get to the fishstore, start poking around and checking prices. Not too bad, def have looked at more expensive things for my tank before. My girlfriend has me really freaked out about money right now. I have never really had to save anything and if I have the money I mind has well get myself a "toy". Guess I am spoiled, I dunno why, I just need to by things to justify the amound to work I do. I decide to think about it for just a little bit longer, and I go to Jimmy John's for lunch. I'll never do that again, the bread tasted old, the toppings were not all that great, and the service sucked. I was telling the girl who works at Petco that I had some pictures of my tank in my car I wanted to show her. I head out to get them after lunch and realize that I have mistakenly left them in a binder at work. No biggie work it just a few seconds from where I was mind has well just pop in and grab the pictures....

Problems At Work
Okay so like a lot of the people my age I need to get my wisdom teeth out. I have found a dentist I really like and he recommended someone to do this. No big deal, my appointment is scheduled for the 16th. I told work the 22nd of last month, MORE than enough time to give me off. Work decided that they would not give me off and have been giving me nothing but problems about it. Its such bullshit. So the new schedule with the days I need off on it came out and well guess what I don't have off the days that I need off. My supervisor comes up to me and says "We need to talk" This means that he wants to tell me I am going to have to wait on my teeth, which I am not doing. He feeds me all the usual lines and then is like "So thats why we need to work on it.." Excuse me...We? I did my part, I told you about it almost a month in advance. Now I understand that our store is understaffed and that many people have vacations, but realistically how is that my fault? Why should I have to suffer because they did not want to work on it. So like a fucking retard I agree that if I can get off the days I need I will work next Sunday. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid Patrick. This now means that I go into work Thursday and don't have off again until Thursday. Whatever, I should have just called out with a doctors note. I hate the fact that I am such an idiot.

After that...
So I called my sister who's husband is a lawyer and kindly mentioned that she should ask him if he knows of any laws that say an employer has to give you off for stuff like that, especially with notice given. Well I went back to Petco, showed Megan my pictures, and went to Petsmart, the powerheads were cheaper there so I grabbed one and came home, put it in my tank, and now have a whole bunch of fish surfin the wave...


I'll write more when I can.

Just about me...

The Tall Enigma
Lets see, I guess I have not really written about myself since the days of livejournal and stuff like that. I think sometimes its really nice to be able to just put things down on paper and realize that your life may not bee as bad as you may think. For starters I am in my 20's and still in school. I go to the University of Maryland and I enjoy myself there. I work at Best Buy and have since 2001. I have a wonderful girlfriend who I hope one day we can learn to mesh and start a life together. I am deeply involved in the care of Cichlids. (I'll post pics later).

Why I started this "blog"
I was really just missing having a place where I can put my thoughts down. I hate how connected the world has become, I used to be able to livejournal all by myself but then they got friends and stuff like that and it really just became a way for people to bitch at each other. I quickly grew out of fancy with that and have just kept my thoughts to myself since. I hope this forum works out better.